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CHICAGO—Sprinting down the platform and frantically waving his arms, local man Dustin Sayer was reportedly running toward a departing train Wednesday because he must have finally realized he loves her.

CINCINNATI—Surprised to discover that the once-beloved job perk had lost its appeal over the years, local barber Mike Grossman told reporters Tuesday that he was no longer even that excited by bringing home free bags of hair at the end of the day.

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SEATTLE—Declaring their intention to prevent you from getting any work done whatsoever, employees from another department announced plans Friday to ramble on about fucking nothing right next to your desk.

POLAND, ME—Studying the youngsters in front of the stable as if she alone possessed the insight into who belonged with whom, Rockbrook Camp counselor Melissa Burke, 19, reportedly assigned kids to horses in a beginner horseback riding class Thursday like a sage town matchmaker presiding over marriage arrangements.

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